Wednesday, May 18, 2011


I have grown to understand the word "preparation" in a whole new way over the past several months. I consider myself to be a rather organized and responsible person. I have made it a habit of carefully creating a meal plan on Sunday nights for the week and prepare a grocery list with a slew of coupons before heading out to the store. I spend way too long in the morning looking at the weather trying to plan outfits for the week and I am always working on homework assignments way before they are due so that I maximize my time preparing.
(This is what it looks like while I am "preparing" i.e. studying, reading, writing etc.)
But God is teaching me a whole new meaning to the word, and to be honest I'm getting kind of frustrated about it! I have learned to view this phase of my life as preparation for so many opportunities that will come in the future...

Time with the Lord so be ready if I am ever called to ministry

Time with my husband in case he is ever called to deploy

More and more studying to prepare for whatever job/career I could have in the future

Learning new recipes so when life gets crazy I'll have a few tricks up my sleeve

But today, I just don't see the reason for all this preparation. Will I really spend my whole life waiting for that impending event that I have been "preparing" for? If and when that actually comes, will all this time spent thinking and preparing for it really matter?

Ultimately, I know that I need to forget about whatever that next thing I am waiting for that will happen in this lifetime and focus on preparing my heart and mind for eternity in heaven. How I spend my money, my time, my gifts, my energy needs to not be focused on fulfilling some earthly goal but in pleasing the Lord.
During a wonderfully long graduation ceremony last weekend I couldn't help but sit back and think about all that had happened to me during my time at Mary Washington. All the things that I learned, the people I met, and how much I grew in my faith. My focus while at school was so much about finishing. So many days it felt like the list of assignments was endless, leading so that day when I would receive a diploma and mean something to the world. But there I sat, in a completely different place than I imagined. I didn't have a job offer in the city waiting for me. I wasn't hungover from the graduation festivities. I didn't have multiple professors hugging me as I walked through the line.

But, what I did have was a husband who woke up before the sun to get the best seats in the house.

Sweet friends who have shown nothing but support and love as my life went it a different direction than theirs.

An acceptance letter to a grad school that has potential to connecting me in so many ways. And a God who was smiling down on me saying, "this is not the end, I am so not finished with you yet." 

The preparation, and studying that seemed to endless and meaningless at the time has a purpose and the purpose is never ending. Preparing academically, spiritually, and emotionally is not about building up to one final moment of achievement but in growing a little more each day to become more like Jesus.

So God, even though I am tired and weary of waiting for the "a ha" moment, show me that the moment is right now and today you are stretching me in your own timing to be more like you.


  1. This is a lovely perspective. I love watching you use your drive and willpower for all the good it can produce, but you also work toward harnessing it within an attitude that serves God.

    I absolutely love my pastor here in Chattanooga. He spoke tonight about how we get so tensed up when we start thinking about all the things we should be doing for God when the greatest thing we can do is take a deep breath and simply aim to follow Jesus without complicating things with our own desperate agenda. That's why we usually notice the big things God does after the fact, after we realize we really had no clue what was really going on but God did.

    This is a long comment. K love you bye.

  2. hahahahahaha (this is not in reference to the post, but to Katies comment about it being a long comment)

    I *totally* getcha on this one girl. even though we are so totally opposite on the need to plan thing on a smaller scale (aka the outfit and meal planning, and the paper preparedness), i am also in a season of transition where one day I tell myself it's okay to be taking a break and relaxing from the semester's activities and the next I feel SO lazy because I don't feel like I'm making progress. It's so different to live life that is no longer confined to "summer" or "semester" or deadlines like due dates or test dates. I'm beginning to learn how to schedule myself-- to know how much is okay to take a breather and when I really should be pushing a little further ahead to make things happen.

    Really I just know that my fear of being lazy-- or my guilt over not yet having "accomplished" anything with this summer-- and all of this anxiety is only exacerbated because I'm not just taking a break from the hectic semester, i've completely broken from my quiet time routine. and then I feel guilty about that and all of it amounts to me not truly, richly enjoying this time off to the fullest.

    BUT. it's gone on for far too long! reading this post tonight makes me realize once more that I *dont* have to feel guilty for a period of rest, but I *do* have a responsibility to use even my relaxation time wisely. I don't have to stress over what's next, but I do have to be present now to what God has to say about himself, not how I'm feeling about myself.

    this is a long comment. k love you bye.

  3. Sadie, you know that was long for me!